The holidays can be a painful time for anyone who has lost a beloved companion (of any species, including human). It’s a time of reflection, gratitude and looking forward, all of which can bring up old grief or make new grief seem more painful. Combine the holidays with family gatherings, and it can be a recipe for being triggered and grieving all over again.
Our culture pressures us to feel happy-happy-joy-joy during the holidays (and pretty much all of December). That pressure has a paradoxical effect: many, many people don’t feel so happy (because of grief or other reasons), and that’s okay. Whatever you’re feeling, happy or sad, it’s valid.
Coping with pet loss during the holidays
I’ve scoured the Internet for the best tips on dealing with pet loss during the holidays, and I’ve added a couple of my own:
Make self-care a priority. This is a time to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. It’s okay to say no to invitations, especially if you’re feeling particularly raw and/or you are likely to encounter people who will minimize your loss.
Write a holiday letter to your pet. I’m a big fan of writing letters to your dog, cat, bunny, horse or other animal—or even to a person who has died. Tell them how much you miss them and how much you loved them (though I believe they already know). Getting your emotions onto paper (or tablet) helps to move painful emotions through your body.
Ornaments. If you celebrate Christmas, consider putting a photo of your animal friend on the tree. There are many companies like this one that create personalized ornaments specifically for animals that have passed.
Make connections with those who understand. Reach out to a friend or family member who knew your pet and understands your grief—someone you know you can trust to be compassionate. If you don’t have anyone you can turn to IRL, the wonderful members of Tuna Tributes understand your grief and are more than willing to offer supportive comments.
Ask others to say your pet’s name. If you participate in a religious tradition, add your pet’s name to a prayer list, at grace, or in a list of remembering those who have left us.
Consider volunteering at a shelter. Volunteering offers multiple benefits, especially contact with other animals (if you’d find that helpful) and a built-in community of people who understand what you’re experiencing, and why you might not feel “jolly” during the holidays.
Appreciation. Find something, anything, that makes you smile. It doesn’t have to be something you’re grateful for, but rather, something you appreciate.
Allow whatever feelings you have to arise and pass through you. Resisting what you’re feeling only prolongs the pain. Trying to relax your body or create space around the pain inside you can help.
Remember that everybody grieves. You are not alone. I’m sending this newsletter to more than 2,000 people who know the pain of losing an animal friend. Close your eyes and feel how you’re connected to all these other people because of this one very private and personal experience.
Allow yourself joy. It’s okay to feel happiness, too. It’s not a betrayal of your animal friend. Holding onto pain sometimes can make us feel like we’re holding onto that connection, but in reality, it only makes us feel bad. Go tobogganing or ice skating (or some equivalent if you’re in the Southern Hemisphere). Allow yourself these moments of replenishment.
Sources (click links to read the full posts):
The Conscious Cat
Purrs of Wisdom (also Ingrid King)
Friendship Animal Hospital (Washington DC)
RainbowsBridge.com
Beth Bigler, (@) Honoring Our Animals (Instagram)
Katie Lawlor, PsyD (@) Pet Loss Psychologist (Instagram)
Facing 2023
The end of the Gregorian year is often a time of reflection and looking forward. The idea of going through an entire calendar year without your beloved friend can be overwhelming. The good news (as I often say) is that you don’t have to know how you’re going to get through the whole year. Just focus on this moment. And this one. Stay as present as possible. (Here’s a practice as it relates to pet loss.)
Living the Mess
In 2023, I’ll be focusing more on Living the Mess, turning my blog into a Substack newsletter. LTM is about “inner peace for overthinkers,” and it has always been the foundation of TUNA. If you’ve found what I’ve written about the human-animal bond helpfujl, you might also like LTM. (Several of you subscribed this past summer—thank you! I’m including the link here again for new TUNA subscribers.)
Finally, I apologize for how late this email is: We’re already more than halfway through Hanukkah, and we’re well past many other December celebrations around the world. I hope the information in this newsletter provides some comfort as we move from 2022 to 2023.
May you find peace in your heart this season, and in the coming year.
Photo by Laura Beth Snipes on Unsplash